Capetonification

It's been almost a year now.
A year since that day I put myself forward and took the reigns of leadership for our team at the office I work at.
A year of writing procedural documents.
Almost 365 days of perpetual fighting with staff to get them to follow those documents
Almost 8700 hours spent on assessing, reviewing, mentoring, instilling, teaching, hand-holding and ass-wiping.
Almost half a million seconds of pure and simple failure.

Failure at my job.
Failure at being a leader.
Failure at being inspiring.
Failure and instilling.
Failure at teaching.

And no ladies and gents, this is not me feeling sorry for myself.
This is a realisation that is not easy to accept.
It's fucking hard.
Eeks the shit out of me.

You see, I don't like to lose.
Therefore, I don't like to fail.
I don't like to admit I cannot do something.

But the proof is in that god-forsaken pudding.
The results are lacking.
My team are no more inspired, no more confident, no more responsible, no more willing, no more assertive, no more focused, no more dedicated than the day I took them under my broken wing.

And that, friends and foes, is the failure of a leader.

I know this like I know the back of my jerk-off hand.

I know it because I know what a leader should be like.
Just read some David Gemmell
Now that dude created leaders.
Sure, they were fictional, but those traits were based on real characteristics.
And I aspired to be like those leaders.
But I fell short.
Way short.

I don't bring out the best in my Team.
Maybe it's because all I do is winge these days.
I'm on their ass like white on rice if they fuck up.
And I layeth down the smack.

And it's not like they can't do their job.
They're very able.

They just seldom do anything exceptional.
And I need exceptional.

Am I being to hard?
Expecting too much?
I don't know.

In my world, nobody gets a pat on the back for being able.
Nobody gets a pat on the back for arriving at work.
You get a pat on the back for doing your job well.
Only then.

And yet, I can't even get my staff to do this for me.

it's bumming me out.
Because I'm the leader. I'm responsible for them. I deal with the consequences of their actions, or indeed the lack thereof.
All day, this shit runs through my mind, and everyday I work with my team, more and more of these little failures become apparent.
The simplest instruction, vital to the other team members, get's missed.
Fucking ethics man.
Caring for your fellow team member.
Helping them out. Doing something for the good of the team.

In my team, that shit doesn't exist.
They don't care, least of all about each other.

in some way's I imagine this is what a parent must feel like when their kid fucks up.
Dissapointment.
Questions like: What did I do wrong to make them do that?
Why can't I get them to just do what they are told?
What can I do to make it better?
What do you need from me?
Why can't you just listen?!

And it fades to black.
In a room. Staring at the ceiling. Sleep not coming. Just a perpetual reel of events playing in my mind.
Nothing is right.
I don't need perfect. But 90% would be great.
Give me 90%
I'll take it.

But no.
That's not how it works.

So I'm failing. Or have failed. A failure, and still failing. It's all the same.
And it's only pride that's urging me to hold out. Keep on trying. Give it another chance.
But that's a fool's errand.
And I'm tired of being the fool.

The yolk of leadership is heavy and I don't want it anymore.
I hate saying that.
It makes me clench my jaw. It makes thespit my mouth taste sour
And if it was something physical, I'd like to take a chunk out of it's ass.
I'd like to get hold of failure personified.
All my team's failures, all my failures, all rolled into one.
Bring it.
I'd rip you to fucking shreds.

So how do I bow out of this gig?
How do I just walk in to my manager's office and say: "Fuck this shit. I'm out." ?
Can you just do that?

I dunno.
Seems kind of wrong just giving up.
But like I said, I' tired of this shit.
Tired of feeling responsible.
Tired of wingeing.
Tired of being the asshole.

I don't even like anyone I work with anymore. And I know the feeling is mutual.
The only time we ever laugh together is when we're drinking at those 'after-work' things.
Then I can be 'just one of the guys'.
I can talk as a person, and not as a manager.
No one to criticize.
No one to shit all over.
No one to assess.
No one to inspire.
Just hanging out, like a couple of humans, shooting the shit, talking crap and laughing about all the fuck ups of the day.

It skews the power barrier though.
Because when you're back at work, criticizing, managing, shouting, fuming, assessing... well... then... then they don't take you seriously.
Threats are hollow.
Deadlines are a joke.
And performance is something you look at when purchasing a new car.

Work has been pulling me in to deep. After scrolling up and reading all this shit, I sound like I'm lost in it.
And it begs a deeper question:

"Is this still making you happy?"

And by this, I mean my job. In general. The environment. The people. The shit you do.

The Answer:

No.
It's not.

I'm creating nothing but a soul-sucking, joy-dispersing hell for myself.
I can't even remember the last time I felt really good about my job.
I've fucked too much up.
Time to bow out.
Save what's left of my pride.
It's been slice.